“What is your idea of earthly happiness? To be vindicated in my own lifetime.”
― Christopher Hitchens, Hitch-22: A Memoir
Without going into too much detail, I received a long overdue report today regarding my divorce.
Everything I’ve suspected about soon-to-be-ex is true. The lack of empathy, the narcissism, his admission that he will say anything to get what he wants, the dangerous behavior with no worries about the potential impact on his children. The lies. And more lies. The highly functioning brain, the charm, the energy, the ability to make friends and influence people. And then the childish frustration, the unfinished projects, the rage, and the sociopathic behaviors.
Yes. Sociopathic behaviors.
Plus the fact that he refuses to take responsibility for anything that he’s done, and instead blames me.
And that he would lie about anything to get what he wants.
Yes, it’s all in there. I suppose I feel relieved, vindicated, and a little worried about what comes next for this man who charmed the world for years and whose nickname was “Boy Wonder.” I don’t know who he will morph into next.
But for today, I guess I feel relief that someone finally gets it. And at the same time, I feel like I’m shutting the door on this man and this life. Besides from validation, I don’t really care anymore. I’ll never understand when this all started, or how he fooled everyone. Were these traits always present under the surface, carefully hidden from anyone? Or did they, as I suspect, lie dormant until mid-life when a series of setbacks set them off?
I guess I’ll never know, and I don’t really care anymore. I do know that the report doesn’t blame me for not knowing about any of this. So now I just need to stop blaming myself. I need to stop worrying about him and start working on me.