My NPD Ex is a Complete Shithead

There’s is no way I can do that in time. Sorry

This is the reply I got from him yesterday, asking him to sign a piece of paper this week so that I can sell an asset – one that was given to me in our court order after I had to pay him 1/3 of its value.

He happily took the money months ago. Now he knows that unless he signs this piece of paper (in front of a notary public), I’m stuck with a huge, huge problem that is not my fault. He knows it will become a problem at COB on Friday if not handled.

He knows I’m desperate. And he loves it.

I’ve written here before that he is a borderline alcoholic, an addict, and a narcissistic-personality-disordered individual who “engages in sociopathic activities” according to the expert.

He’s also a complete ASSHOLE.

I’ve been able to detach so completely from him lately that I nearly forgot all of this. Anything to do with him is so upsetting and traumatizing that I prefer to dwell on just about anything else in the world.

But I’m thankful for two things: that this asset is the only legal thing left linking us together (uh, except for two beautiful children); and that this is exactly the reminder I needed of how much better my life is now that I have divorced him. The chaos, the manipulations, the game-playing, the lies, the abuse. Now I remember it all, more clear-eyed than ever before. I remember that he never paid anything on time, or met a deadline, or did anything properly or by the book. My life was always like this, running after him, trying to head off problems and sweep up his messes while other people proclaimed him a “boy genius” without irony.

My little kids today pointed out just today that I am a “big rule-follower” because I didn’t want to park my car facing the wrong way on the street, even though many others seem to do it around here. I agreed with them and said that rules exist for a reason, and unless a rule seems really rotten or unfair, we should follow them. Most rules, like them or hate them, are what make the world work, like Stop Signs and telling the truth on a resume.

But my Ex is too good to follow anyone else’s rules, and too vicious to help me stay in compliance with the law.

I’ll have to pay my attorney again to send him a letter. But then, finally, I know that we won’t even have this one last asset together anymore. I also know that part of his refusing to sign the letter is because he knows he can’t control or influence me in any other way anymore. And it drives him crazy.

So, deep breaths. Onwards and upwards.

7 thoughts on “My NPD Ex is a Complete Shithead

  1. Holy cow. Our ex’s are the same person. I’m do sorry he’s being an ass. Unfortunately, it will go on forever. I’m so glad for you that it’s piece of business together! Small victories!

  2. I so get it. I so 10,000 times get it. I read this thinking of all the times I have been in this same situation and of all the ‘pretty’ things I could say to you for encouragment…this is a reflection of him, not you; don’t take it personally; try to find compassion for the shame filled little boy who lives inside him…you know the drill

    But, then the reality of truth kicked in and this was what I was left with…

    A. He is a shithead.

    B. He is a complete and total SHITHEAD!

    C. However, you are no longer married to him and if that ain’t a reason to cartwheel naked around your house at midnight under a full moon then girlfriend, I don’t know what is

    Pay the lawyer, walk away holding your head high knowing in 20 years none of this will matter.

    I get it. It will be OK…sigh

    p.s. I love the truth telling on the resume part…the man I was married to not only lied about his degree, he lied about the college he ‘supposedly’ earned it from

    I am a HUGE rule follower as well. I found this intriguing that you would be the same so am now wondering if our needing to follow the rules is a coping mechanism learned from being married to a NPD. Thanks for giving me something to meditate on today, I need to dig deeper into this 🙂

    • I like the cartwheeling idea! He got it to me today, and of course I had to leave my office and go to meet him at a Starbucks because he has no real office anymore. Just being reminded of this has made me a nervous wreck because I am still dependent on that child and spousal support. Sigh.

      Anyhow, have you always been a rule follower? I have been, though I liked to think of myself as a rebel when I was younger. But there is always a line I would never cross.

      I wonder if people like this choose rule followers? We are steady, dependable, and probably mostly very loyal. We don’t like to shake things up. Therefore we can be manipulated more than others?

      Or maybe the rule following started as a coping mechanism. I do know that chaos followed my ex wherever he went, and I was always a wreck about it. The night I asked him to leave this house 3.5 years ago, I actually felt safe and peaceful for the first time in years. I now find peace in paying all bills on time, fixing everything that’s broken in the new house, setting up organized systems, etc.

      Which do you think came first – the NPD or the rule-following??? I’m just not sure!

  3. I’m not sure either. I keep looking back over my life trying to find an answer to this. I was not a rule follower before I married NPD. I wasn’t a criminal or anything but definitely pushed the boundaries. I wonder if I really started becoming one after I started having kids and the reality of being responsible for other people’s lives overwhelmed me. I think I gravitated towards the ‘rules’ in an effort to counteract the chaos NPD created. I also think I was easily manipulated by him until things would get so outrageous that I could no longer rationalize them away.

    An example, NPD would often come home with things he ‘borrowed’, in reality stole, from his work or his dad. I would overlook it with some sort of strange coping rationalization that I am not very proud of. But, then, when we were planning to build a new home, NPD came up with this elaborate plan to steal the building materials from another construction site to use for our home and I was completely mind boggled. I remember sitting there listening to him, his eyes gleaming while he laid out this scheme that was, of course, ‘guaranteed’ to work, feeling like the world had just fallen out from under my feet. I replied with “I will not be bringing our children to any prison
    to visit thier father” and walked away. This was the first of many schemes he developed.

    I, too, was in what felt like a constant state of ‘fixing’ situations that he would get us in. Mostly, financial messes. I would hide money from him in order to be able to pay off the debts he would rack up. This actually worked out to my advantage at the time of the divorce because he knew nothing of this money and I walked away with it. Maybe I should have felt remorseful about that but I actual felt empowered. Its funny now, I save money like crazy and have done well with investments. Whenever my guy that handles my money and I talk, we say a little ‘thank you’ that I will never have to share this money with NPD!

    My kids and I had to move out of our family home as NPD refused to leave it. At the time, I thought it was crappy but now realize it was a blessing. I was given the chance to create new memories with my kids in a fresh place without their father’s presence clouding them. The first night we lived here though, was likely the most peaceful night of my life. I love that I don’t see NPD everywhere I look in this house as he has never been here. I love that I sleep in a bed that NPD has never touched.

    So many things I do now are about reclaiming who I am meant to be instead of who I became while under the influence of another’s ‘rule’.

    I understand about the spousal and child support. I, too, receive both and will for a number of more years. This is my last tie to NPD and I will celebrate the day when I no longer have any connection to him. Support is such an easy thing for the court system have control over in the state I live in that I don’t concern myself too much with it. I don’t fight with him about it, if he doesn’t pay, I let the courts deal with it.

    Every day I set an intention to relax about the ‘rules’ thing in my life. I think I will always feel the need to follow rules. Like you said, parking the right direction, paying bills on time, actually fixing things right away when they are broken. Some things I am better at than others, bedtime becomes a little more lax each year, I actually skipped my mammogram last year…I know, I’m such a rebel!

    However, on a weekly basis, I find my self saying these words about NPD and the parenting plan..,


    You win some and you lose some I guess 🙂

    I am really happy you got what you needed from him. You made it thru another hard thing and came out on the other side maintaining your 100% track record for surviving an encounter with an NPD. Nicely done, girlfriend!

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