Judging Divorced People: Just Don’t

 

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The moms were bored. They were about 20 hours into a 36-hour Girl Scout camping trip, an experience that was incredible and life-changing for the little girls.

For the moms, its was the old familiar mix of joy, laughter, hard work, responsibility – and lots and lots of sitting-around boredom.

And so it started.

“Oh, I feel so sorry for this dear friend of mine. She’s divorced….”

And the story unfolds. I try not to bristle. The friend cheated on her husband and has spent the last four years trying to win him back, unsuccessfully. And now he’s getting remarried to someone else, and she’s falling apart.

Oh, and she’s an alcoholic.

“It’s so sad, but I won’t let my daughter go over to her house anymore….”

I sigh to myself. The biggest alcohol abuser I know is a married mother down my block, and everyone seems to allow their children to go to her big old fancy house….

The story leads to another one – divorce and alcohol and heartbreak.

And then a third one, the best yet. “My husband and I just went to a funeral this week of an old college friend who died from drinking. Of course his wife had to divorce him, and that made it worse….”

At this point, I got up and walked away. It was abrupt. I didn’t look back, but I know they all must have looked at each other, shocked and guilty. None are bad people. They were just caught off guard; they forgot they had a divorced mom in their midst.

But it was the tone of over-the-top sympathy that got me. I don’t know the private lives of these particular women. But I know enough about the lives of our peers. Enough to know that feeling sorry for others must make at least some of these women feel better about their own problems, marital and otherwise.

When one of them came up to apologize later, she obviously felt awful. And she’s a nice person. Really. I looked at her and told her my truth: “Oh, don’t worry, I’m not upset. Frankly, when I look around, I don’t think that my married friends are any happier or unhappier than my divorced friends. But I did feel that it was gossipy.”

I paused.

“And I wouldn’t want anyone talking about me that way,” I continued.

“Not that I ever did anything wrong.”

But for some reason, my voice sort of trails away with these last few words. I think I’ve crossed some line.

And I walked away, from her, from the group – feeling proud and ashamed, independent and pathetic, filled with anticipation and regret – another few steps away from my old life.

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6 thoughts on “Judging Divorced People: Just Don’t

  1. I remember a long time ago, about 20+ years, I was sitting having dinner at my uncle’s house with all the cousins and other relatives. They were talking about a young man they know, who fell in love with a divorced woman. And how blasphemous it is for him to marry her. I sat there shocked. Mind you I was still in college. And here I am almost twice divorced. I wonder do they still think it’s blasphemous for a divorced woman to get married again?

    • I wonder too …. I also wonder how many of the people there secretly wished they could just get a divorce themselves. I really meant it when I said that I don’t think there is any difference in happiness between my married and divorced friends. Things can be really hard when divorced – and things can be lonely and miserable and soul-sucking when married too.

  2. HELLO!!! Oh my gosh, my lovely friend! Yesterday, in the strangest of ways, I found your
    reply on a comment I had left you MONTHS ago that I had not seen and replied back. However, I am not feeling my most patient and realized if I found a more recent post of yours, I might reach you quicker! How are you, my darling? How are your sweet babies? I think of you so often, especially the last two days! I do have something I would love to share with you, so when or if, you get this let me know!!! I so hope you are well 🙂 This post, by the way, brilliant! So happy you found your voice at the camp out! much love, my friend, much love 🙂

    • Hello Hello! I am good and hoping you can see this. My children are great too. Unfortunately I think Ex is plotting to take me back to court, but I try to move forward and not think about it. I’m heading over to your blog to read about what’s going on with you! xo, M

      • UGH!!! this site is driving me crazy! I just got this message…over a month later 😦 the NPD I deal with has decided we need to have a full blown custody battle as well…good grief. If you feel comfortable with this, email me at sunshineonyourshoulder229@gmail.com. I have lots to talk with you about…catching up and some other cool stuff you might be interested in as well. If not, no worries 🙂

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